Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
