I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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