I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You pole danced in your parka.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize