I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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