dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
