don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
