Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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