dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
