Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
