my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
