I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
