Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
