i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
