honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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