That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
