in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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