I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
