She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
