I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
