Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
