dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
