I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
