just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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