I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
