I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My balls are so social today.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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