i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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