I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
