It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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