I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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