he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
