If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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