Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
