Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
