Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
