i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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