After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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