Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
