I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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