I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
