omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
