I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
