party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
