I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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