I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
