I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
