You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
