Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
