im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you inspire me to be a worse person
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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