Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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