I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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