sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
