I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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