She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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