You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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